Since becoming a mom my life has drastically changed. Before the baby comes you don't think about how much your schedule is planned around the next feeding time, nap time, and then you can just say goodbye to any time you think you have left after that because the baby just exploded a diaper in the back seat and you didn't bring any change of clothes for her. Awesome. Time to make a trip to the nearest Target. But as I look back on those times I actually cherish them. I laugh when I think about how on a doctor's visit the baby went to the bathroom all over my leg as I was trying to get her diaper back on after being weighed so I had to go the rest of the visit with pee-soaked jeans. Then there was the period of time where she would only do a #2 job when we put her in the car seat. So, anywhere we went for a while we'd start the trip off with a dirty job. But, again, those are all precious memories to me.
As a mom, I also try and think of what knowledge I want to pass on to my daughter (and eventually other children) and I remember back to my childhood. I have always struggled with my weight. I can lose it fast when I want to when my mind is in it but then I see those cookies on the table and its all out the window. Dieting and eating habits aside, I remember, as a third grader, being extremely conscious of my weight. And its not like I was obese but I wasn't stick thin either. How sad is it that a girl so young would be worried about her weight? I should have been concerned with Saturday morning cartoons, catching the bus on time and playing kickball in the street. But as I'm older, I realize where the root of my problem is: my mom. Now, this isn't the mom that we all know and love. I'm talking about my birth mother. We don't have a relationship now but thats irrelevant to this story. I remember her always putting herself down in front of me and in front of her boyfriends/husbands. Though, I'm sure those feelings also stemmed from problems in her childhood. She would talk about how fat her hips were and how flabby her stomach was. I look at my baby girl and I absolutely do not ever want her to have a low self-esteem. Therefore, I have made the vow to not ever put myself down in front of my daughter. Its also helping me to appreciate who I am and what I love about myself. As a woman and a mother I cannot be consumed by what my outer appearance is (though, I do wish to look somewhat decent for my husband when he comes home). By consumed I mean constantly concerned that people are looking at me thinking "oh, that woman could have done a better job putting herself together this morning." And then I argue with "them" in my head saying "don't you see this baby on my hip?! do you really think I have time to put on a full face of makeup and straighten my hair AND be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and tops? Leave me alone!!!" It's really a sad conversation. I should stop having them, and I'm working on it. So, I tell you all this because why? Because I am worried, as a mother, about my baby. I am worried that I will fail her and she will not know how much she is loved and how beautiful she is because her mother didn't respect herself enough to have some love for her body. I guess I must start sometime: Body, I love you even though you can frustrate me to the high heavens sometimes. But you are mine and are what I was given so I must respect that and say you are beautiful.
My BEAUTIFUL baby girl
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